Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

🪶

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

ㅤ

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.