The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.