The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
