Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

this is how life feels

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.