The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
socratic questions
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?