Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms