the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now