the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro