Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
sugar glider wrangler
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Its true…
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.