H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?
Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.