Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.