Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

Good dog. ❤️

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback