the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?