I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You Might Also Like
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’d use my best pan on you.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
🤣😂🤣
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*