the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.