the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
You Might Also Like
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
making sure he doesnt get away
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.