The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My neck, my back, my…
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually