The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
peeping toms
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.