Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

My sex drive has a dui

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife