Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

I’m sure it’s fine.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me