Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.