The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…