Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

[eats all your cotton candy]

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years