The human personality is made of five key elements
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
SQUARREL
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
reminder
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.