The human personality is made of five key elements
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Wolves should really raise more people.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Good morning
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.