The human personality is made of five key elements
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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.