The human personality is made of five key elements
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No