The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Tuesday
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
How high do the levels go?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?