The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Awwwww shit.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
in 3 months
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.