The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
You Might Also Like
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends