Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

⛄️

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Extremely relatable.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”