Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

just gave your address to some spiders

😂😂

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

This is hilarious

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!