Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.