the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
We will use anything but the metric system
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Unmatched
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The best plant holders?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?