the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes