The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking