Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*