the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I’M CRYINGGG
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
is it earth
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭