Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

The legends speak of a third Duran…

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.