the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
bro what is going on at twitter
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby