the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Feels
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
we’re dead?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.