Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop sending me this shit.

Spa day..😅

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

sometimes we need to be reminded

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.