Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside