The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.