Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

😸

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD