Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

🍛

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally