The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
reduce, reuse, recycle
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
technique
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER