@tdawks

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

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@MantisBlue

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

@Thedudish

When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.

@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@LarryFulford

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@mackswift

THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

THEY LIED.

EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON

@ramblinma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*