My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…
Me, in the DMV waiting room
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Who called them baby pickles and not cutecumbers?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*