The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
What if all the cashiers are married?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129