Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Vodka burrito was a success

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Can. I. Help. You.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic