The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?