Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

🤣🤣

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*