The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?