The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
How is it still this week?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
She knows her part so well!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral