The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
🔦🌙👣
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket