The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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