The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.