the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM