the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
You Might Also Like
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.