the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
this has done me in for some reason
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?