the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.