The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Jail
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I’m sorry…what?
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word