Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

We like the way Dwight thinks

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.