The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?