The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They鈥檙e serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My husband told me I鈥檇 better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Good morning all 馃憢 have a good one 馃檹馃憣
My dad鈥檚 handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don鈥檛 know because I haven鈥檛 tried everything.馃槅
(May have a sprained or broken foot 馃お)
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba鈥檚 birthday
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
you don鈥檛 scare me. you鈥檙e not a can of biscuits i鈥檓 about to open.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.