The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
By Kate Hatos
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.