The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap