The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
PLOT TWIST:
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle