The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Squirrels before girls.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.